Reviewing my own feelings, in remembrance of Ayah..

Assalamualaikum wbt and good evening, .. Alhamdulillah, I get to write again. Being grateful to Allah for granting me a healthy mind and soul to finally browsing my not-so-beautiful but not-that-ugly fingers on these nicely stacked on tiny buttons of English alphabets on this not-that-expensive but ain't-that-cheap notebook keyboard. Alhamdulillah. To date, I'm still confuse between HTML format and the Compose format when writing this blog. I guess I just have to buy the 'How to Blog for Dummies'. Tonight, I'm writing on the HTML. Well, it goes with the previous published too. As long as it can be published, I think I can't care enough. Looking back at previous posts, I noticed a major grammar blunder made by my shallow brain when writing. No wonder I still can't get my latest work to be published by highly cited indexed journals. I am so busted! Arrgghh, with my promise of writing at least a sentence a day in this blog gone like the wind, (is there such a proverb?). Life seems to be tumbling upside down for me. But I thanked Allah for blessing me with a wonderful Ramadhan & a modest Syawal. I lost my father on the 1st Rejab this year, he was an idol and a great man in my eyes and with him gone, my strength and the fighter inside me went away with him. I seem to not saddened by his death, I seem to not mourning compared to my mother and sibling, but inside, I was crying loud, the greatest tears I've ever shed loosing him. This blog was after his death, it's another way how I vent out my anger, dissappointment, regrets and sadness after loosing him. Talking to closest friends (a few that I have, I kept and I will hold forever inshaAllah) and to the man I loved (beside Ayah and my brother, I have this scandal like forever, ..) eased the burden but it won't do for a long time. To steer away from the remembrance of Ayah, I spent weekends lounging at shopping complexes or even driving around in my car singing, humming to zikir and even Fatihah. But that doesn't help too. I refused to talk about Ayah, I refused to do things that Ayah loved the most, I even 'ban' the last night market I went to buy taufu-fa for Ayah 2 days before he passed away. But that doesn't help too. What is there that I didn't do? I was thinking hard, I even had bad dreams about it, really bad that I don't have the hair to tell anybody (do not repeat after this proverb, copyrighted by Ezni Idrus - permanent head damaged symptom proverb). Until I realized, that I haven't let Ayah go. I haven't allowed myself to forgive Ayah for not letting us know that he will be leaving us. I've been living in denial after Ayah's death. And I have to let go. It's nobody's fault but I have been neglecting him trying to tell us that he's leaving us forever. And I don't want that to happen to anybody else. And this is why, I'm reviewing my feelings, my life and my history with my father here. Not to humiliate myself, not to invite hate or anger but to share with those who still have their parents that never ever lifting your eyes on a tiny minute sign by your parents that they're leaving you. I have no regrets that Ayah is not with us anymore in a sense that, I've been there during his bad hair day, I've been there during the time he was sick until he can't take his "wudhu'" without assistance and I was there all the time. I've been there when my father was sick and I put his socks on so that he won't feel cold. I've been there when his car broke down in the middle of night and in the middle of a jungle (yes, I was 5 years old then..). But I missed him, I missed Ayah a lot. And this feeling will remain there forever. I have to learn to accept and to be thankful that Allah grant me the strength to pull through. "Ya Allah, ampunilah dosaku. Berilah rahmatMu ya Allah kepada ku. Bimbinglah aku agar terus berada di atas jalanMu. Janganlah Engkau tinggalkan aku dalam keadaan terpinga-pinga tanpa hidayahMu" I pray for those who have the joy of their parents to have all the lucks to have them forever. To grow old with them, to have the strength and energy to take care of their ageing parents while they're ageing at the same time. To get to watch the weddings of their children and enjoying their ever happy smiley faces parents by their side. And to welcome their grandchildren and get to be proud to tell their parents "Ayah, mak - ni cucu saya...".... Penning off with tears, and a pray that Allah will guide us through and not let us wander in a confounded state without His guidance.